I have not written about this for a while, but I have been thinking more about it lately, so thought to give it a go.
What we all seek in life is purpose.
For the past 4 months, while traveling across Asia, I have abandoned purpose. I have been shackle-less. Responsibility-less. Commitment-less.
Or so I thought? Come to Asia with an empty calendar, hardly any school work, and just survive? Seems easy enough.
But surely, as I have come here, I have added responsibilities. I have started projects (even though I said I would try not to). I have met new people and tried new things. I have had stress and anxiety. I have had tons of fun.
So what I ask myself, as writing this, is why? Why do I make myself busy when I have no “external reward” for doing so?
Is it ego? A desire to feel important purposeful?
Purpose is important to me, I know that. But why? Why do I care?
Is it because I need a reason to exist? Is existing alone not enough for me? Why? Why do I really deserve more than just the luxury of being alive?
Does the purpose really matter? Or can I just do some thing and fulfill this desire? Can it be anything?
Take writing for example. Does that fill my void?
Why do I keep writing? Do I need that weight to feel important?
I question these things often…not because I am crazy or neurotic or whatever…it is because I am curious…I deeply question…why?
Why do I say yes to more things. Why am I not content sitting on the beaches in Bali and Thailand? Why do I want to wake up early to write and work on new things?
Is that taking away from living? Should I more easily adapt?
Or is “chaos” what is more comfortable? Am I taking the easy way out by doing things that already align with my world view…