I have mixed feelings about today. Today is my final “first day.” Today is the start of my senior year of college and, consequently, my last “first day of school” I will ever have.
These types of moments are interesting for me. They are arbitrarily monumental, emotionally-charged, yet are in-and-out in a second.
I blink too quickly and all of a sudden I am deeply reminded of the past 21 years – for which I remember a fraction of life.
Most of the details are gone -entirely vanished from my memory.
But some weird things stick…from all of my little league baseball games to the countless hours I spent with my best friends ever doing reckless things. I am reminded of otter pops, ID badges, and school buses. I am reminded of high school parties, wild football games, and junior varsity soccer. I remember spending countless hours learning Spanish vocabulary, religiously preparing for the ACT, and applying to way too many colleges. I remember waking up, on my own accord, at 4 AM every weekend to sell tomatoes. I remember failing tests, falling behind, getting down on myself. I remember not getting into student government, not making the high school basketball team, and losing friends. I remember having aggressive arguments with friends and family – after which I thought my life would be over. I remember getting into college, jumping ship from my comfort zone.
Today, I blink, and it’s all gone.
It is impossible for me to concisely and accurately summarize my feelings. Words that come to mind include excited, bittersweet, and anxious. They are feelings of nervousness, but random nervousness. I rarely get nervous about the future because I try my best not to think so hard about my personal future.
I try my best to focus on my next week or month. I do not need a 5 year plan. I do not need to figure out what I want to do in life…I just need to live.
I am excited for the future – future people, future things, future places, and future me. But, to be completely direct and honest, I am way more excited for the present.
Soon…I’ll be 60 years old.
I will have forgotten most all of the details.
There will be new names and new places, new worries and new goals.
But, it is not my job to consume those thoughts right now. For now, I am staying focused on living today – right here, right now.
Also published on Medium.